Alright, we did talk about how even smart and independent women find it tough to come out of a marriage that’s not exactly full of trust (refer the link-
http://aradhanamishra.com/smart-and-independent-yet-she-chooses-to-stay-with-her-philandering-husband-why-is-there-any-connection-between-this-and-the-me-too/ ) . Perhaps they had their reasons and we really can’t be judgmental about it. And I suppose it’s up to the individual to decide her own threshold and trajectory. The good part is, everything and anything can be worked upon, if there is sincerity and honesty about it, marital problems not being any different! It’s tough to withstand the betrayal, but then people do find out ways, especially when the husbands are remorseful and appear motivated to not be unfaithful again in the future. So here we shall talk about the healing, about finding that path again which leads to common destination, to stay in the marriage, to almost start from the scratch.
Get support -of parents and friends – In a situation where one wants to start again amidst all the infidelity, suspicion, and the heartbreak, it’s the loved one’s support that’s paramount, parents’ being the most important. You work towards saving the marriage with much positivism, if you know that you are doing it with the right motive, and not just for ‘social and financial support’, which you will get anyway from your parents. ( In our society, it’s very difficult to get support, if you decide to terminate the marriage, fortunately though this is changing and people are more accommodating, understanding and open to this than ever) It works rather quite favourably if your husband is aware that you have your parents’ backing! It is time of emotional upheaval and the more friends, family, and your own support groups you have, the better it is! if you haven’t opened up to them as yet- it’s time you do!
Sit and talk it out with your partner/husband- Okay, it’s done but not yet dusted with! To do that, you need to sit with your partner/husband and discuss as to why and how it happened! Tell him that you are not going to trust him for a long time, and he shouldn’t mind that, knowing in the situation that you are. Assert that you are pretty much entitled to ask about his whereabouts and proof of them at any time, if need be. Tell him, that you will need time to trust him again and he too will have to work towards restoring that faith, if he really meant it! Tell him that, to begin with and to come clean, he should tell you everything you want to know. Just be prudent while framing and asking questions! You want to start afresh, and not rock the boat again!
Cleaning the ‘digital and other footprints’– It’s important to make him terminate/delete all contacts- Offline and online, that led him to cheat on you. And it’s equally imperative to supervise and ensure that he did so. Of course, in the digital era, it’s very difficult to ascertain that it’s over but at least he will be wary, if he truly wants to clean the slate!
Find your intimacy level back, but not in a hurry – Once bitten twice shy- this adage fits quite snugly in this situation. Just listen to your heart and till the time you are absolutely certain about it, don’t move in that direction. The time frame can vary for different individuals, depending on the other facts. Anyway, the most important thing for you and your husband is to rebuild your trust and connection primarily through good communication. Spend time together to find common grounds and interests again and be proactive to follow it up regularly. Rest can follow.
Do not hesitate to seek counselling- Despite all your efforts and want, if you find it difficult to move ahead, to instill trust in your husband/partner again, do not hesitate to seek professional help. Infidelity tears the fabric of the relationship in ways that may not be easy to restore- sometimes, you need a professional to guide you through the healing process. In India, there is a lot of social stigma attached with ‘seeking marriage counselling ’ as it is with the notion of ‘ending the marriage’, but then as most of the things, this perception too is changing- and for good.
I wouldn’t know for sure if these steps are enough, to heal, to begin again, but one has to start somewhere, that is if you want to. If this write-up helps you even in the most minuscule way, to restart making a beautiful pattern on your marital slate once again, it’s purpose would be considered achieved!
Copyright © Aradhana Mishra
Image Credit- iMOM.com